Written & published by: Kevin Beard Jr.
The problem with "Divorce" today:
First off, before I begin, divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays & is also the most common issue in the modern world. With the increase rate of divorce, the pace of emotional instability & crime rate is also quickening, & it's a very scary thing in today's society.
So with that being said, here's my message to those who have been divorced, or have divorced before in the past.
First of all, If your okay with divorce then why bother with marriage at all to begin with? If that's the case, why not just stay in a casual relationship? Why go as far as getting married? Why tell your wedding vows to someone if you believe that divorce is okay? That's immoral. First of all, If your not planning on being married to your soul-mate for the rest of your life, then you need to rethink why you're getting married in the first place. If it's just for the benefits of health care, or you feel desperate for money, or you just want a family & such, then it's not a true marriage to begin with, you might as well save your breath. Just an FYI, If you don't know what a marriage is, it's a promise that you will love, care for, & cherish your soul mate for the rest of your life. It's a promise that you will forever be loyal to your spouse & that you will treat them special, aside from everyone else. It's a special bond that you make publicly known to everyone that you have found that one special person you can spend the rest of your life with. Marriage is supposed to be something that lasts for the rest of a person's life, through thick & through thin. It's supposed to be one of the ultimate displays of romantic partnership. It's a bond between husband & wife & ultimately God. It is a life long commitment that you make between all 3. Truly both people are making the commitment to God by saying that no matter what you will stay truthful to each other & to God. In the marriage, the wedding ring signifies the never ending love you have for each other, it has no beginning & no end, it's a complete circle.
Personally, I don't believe in divorce. No, I'm not religious. I don't let religion control me. No, I don't attend church. No, I don't read the "bible," I believe it's not necessary to do so. I'm spiritual & I'll believe in what I want to believe in, mostly because it makes perfect sense to me. So with that said, I believe that divorce is immoral, period. I believe in having patience in finding that special one for me. If you ask me, I believe in finding my soul-mate first, then spending a couple years together, then getting married when the time permits us too. Now, if you're someone who wants a divorce simply because you want to be with another woman or man, then that's immoral. If you want to leave the marriage because you feel you want more freedom or no longer want the responsibilities that come with being married, then that's immoral as well.
Now, It seems to me that divorce has become just as common as breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend in a casual dating / relationship, as well as the emotional, mental, & physical stress that come with it when people go through during a divorce, & getting a divorce is not worth the pain. I find divorce to be immoral because in most cases, a divorce can emotionally destroy a family & sometimes the surrounding families that you're attached too. Of course if you have kids, its a terrible thing indeed, because then who will get the kids most of the time? Where will they go to school at? Where will they live at? Who will they live with? Who will put what on the table? Who pays what? There is so much that goes into it, that it's easier just to stay married, but most people now a days are just to lazy to try & make their marriage work. Plus, many couples don't go through what is needed or required of them before they get married anyway, but would rather get married for the sake of it, which is wrong. I believe people who would rather jump into a marriage are not prepared for all the work, compromise & forgiveness involved in marriage. Divorce is ridicules because most people forget why they fell in love in the first place. If two couples who are married, agree that they are more happier being apart, then they should have dated for a longer period of time (before getting married) only to figure out that they weren't the one for each other. How immoral is that? The problem is that people mistake "like" & "lust for love." Another reason why Divorce is immoral is because people that get a divorce normally say that they wish they had never gotten married in the first place. It's these kind of people who promise to love each other forever after only knowing each other a few weeks or a few months, who then get a divorce after staying together just long enough to produce a child, & that's the sick part about it. It's very immoral. Just think of the emotional damage that you can cause your kids from getting a divorce, you can cause them to blame themselves thinking that it's their fault that mom & dad are divorcing, & that's very traumatic for the kids, & causes a lot of instability in the kids. Instead of getting a divorce, go to marriage consoling. Consoling does work, as long as both partners are willing to give it a chance & work at it, but the problem with that is that after a divorce, there's regret & the couples who make that decision to get divorced sometimes are thinking that they could have made it work if we would have tried this at the time & etc. But If you ask me, I personally think it's a sign that people don't take marriage seriously anymore because they don't make the efforts in getting the help they need. They're weak-minded & want to use divorce as an escape to their problems, instead of facing them as a reality. I honestly believe that people take marriage as a game, as in, you can either play the game, or quit the game whenever you feel bored. People divorce now days like people change their underwear. It means nothing anymore for people to just get a divorce. The main problem with divorce is that now a days people are marrying for all the wrong reasons, & ending up marrying someone they have no reason being with.
What this society needs to understand is that marriage is a serious thing, & I don't think people take it serious enough. Marriage is supposed to be a life long relationship that grows deeper everyday. If you are the man in the relationship you have to step up within the marriage, you are the man of the family, you're suppose to treat the woman of your dreams like she is your beauty that you have rescued, be her prince, love her unconditionally, & stop making excuses for yourself & the marriage itself, & that goes for the wife as well. I will agree that Women have more personal freedom today than before, but i don't think that means they should have a free license to divorce whenever they get tired of their man they're married to. You can still have personal freedom in a marriage. You don't need to divorce & remarry or whatever the case is, in order to have that freedom. Understand that all people go through rough patches in marriage, but you're suppose to work through it with your spouse, you don't run to your lawyer. Just because something is common & accepted now a days, doesn't make it right for you to get a divorce, & it certainly doesn't mean it is good for all parties involved. Everyone gets hurt in divorce, no matter how well-meaning the couple is, & that is immoral. However, in a marriage, you are always bound to have fights, which is healthy & also normal, but at the end, both, the husband & wife need to swallow their pride & admit that their wrong because they love each other, & as hard as that may seem, you just have to work through them & persevere. Yet many people who are getting a divorce are separating at the first chance they get. They don't try to get over or solve their issues. They don't try to communicate or try to compromise. They get a little frustrated, a little upset, & they throw the towel down & go crying to their lawyer. It's just not right. I believe that couples should try to work on their marriage as much as possible, & try to work through things because it's the moral thing to do.
I also find that divorce is a necessary "evil" in the world. Unfortunately, If you are with an abusive partner or one who is habitually unfaithful or is sexually deviant or whatever, then I do believe that there should be an avenue of escape from situations such as these. But I think that unless there's no hope at all, mandatory counseling might be a better option before divorce is granted (especially in cases of general incompatibility or verbal abuse). Though I believe that divorce is immoral, divorce is only good for some situations, like in an abusive relationship, a cheating spouse or a infidelity & etc, but I WILL say that some people actually try everything in their power, but the marriage just won't work. To me, I give those people credit for trying, & by trying, I don't mean one therapy session, I mean TRYING over a period of a few months, maybe years. I understand that divorce is not something that everyone strives for, & at the end of the day, I'm sure we all want a "happy ever after," but in some marriages, divorce (unfortunately) is the only solution. Some people have miserable marriages & that's the only way out, sadly. However, in other situations, where people just feel they have "grown apart" in a marriage, that's a very immoral thing, especially when there is children involved, because they are the ones who get hurt the most.
Now if you have children, then it is your duty to fight for, (not your marriage, or for each-other) but for those children. If you make the choice of having a child, then you are fully committed to taking care of that child. Children who live in households where parents are fighting & yelling at each other, who display anger & bitterness toward each other in front of children, are giving their children a poor role model of how to maintain a healthy relationship. Children learn everything within the home setting. Do you know that so many children are in shelters & foster homes because of so many irresponsible parents who don't care to love their child, but only themselves? People need to open their eyes & search for their hearts & realize that they need love from the ones who created them as well.
So what does divorce have on little children?
Here are a few:
1. The family dynamic is changed.
2. The security of their family is gone.
3. Their relationship / interactions with the parent that moves out is changed.
4. The relationships / interactions with the extended family & friends may change.
5. The relationship between their parents is changed.
6. They may have to move out of their home.
7. They may need to change schools.
8. The relationship between the children & both parents may change.
Basically there is a lot of change, stress, emotion & unknowns when parents divorce. Understand that children find security & peace of mind in stability & routine. When all that changes, it really affects the children- some more than others, depending on their age. It is possible to divorce "well" with minimum impact on the children, but I don't think that happens too often.
Always remember, nobody wins in a divorce. The person who files for the divorce will eventually feel sad about the divorce, but when kids are involved in a divorce, the divorce usually gets really messy (it shouldn't get that way but it does.)
My advice for young teenagers, Men & Woman who have parents that are divorced.
Here are some important things for you to remember:
1. It is never, ever your fault for your parents divorce. You're not the reason of the divorce. You're parents are responsible for whatever decisions they make. If they choose to divorce, then they choose to divorce. It's not your fault, so don't think for 1 second that the reason your parents got divorced in the first place was because of you.
2. You can not fix the problem of your parents being divorced, so again, don't think it's your fault because it's not, just let it be. Let your parents figure the problem out on their own, & let them be held responsible for their own actions.
3. Your Mom & Dad didn't stop loving you just because they don't love each other anymore. They're most likely going through a tough time themselves, so give them time & space to heal from their past & move on in life. Like I said, your parents most likely love you very much, however, they're probably going through hard times as well, so don't worry about them not loving you because chances are, you will always hold a special place in their hearts.
4. You can start growing up to being a really good kid & chances are, it won't make your parents get back together (remember it isn't your fault that they're getting divorced.) However, just try to be the best person you can be & you will be loved by many people who look up to you as a successful role model for others who may be going through the same situation you are.
5. One of your parents might try to buy you lots of presents when they have you over for visits & the other parent may not afford to buy you gifts (money & gifts don't prove love anyway) but there are lots of different ways to show love, & maybe one of your parents may express their love for you differently.
6. As bad as things may get while you're parents are going through divorce, it is never okay to beat up on each other & it is never okay to disrespect your parents. When these kinds of behaviors start to happen you need to talk to your mom & dad and tell them that you need to have some family time to vent about how the divorce is affecting you, & ask with a "please." Yes divorce is hard on everybody, but in time it gets easier. Try to keep communication open with your parents without "tattling" on them to each other to make things worse, & maybe talk with your grandparents or other family relatives to see if they can help you.
I appreciate your time in reading my post about "Divorce."
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Written & published by: Kevin Beard Jr.
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